The constant back and forth in my head

How is it possible that I’m always on the verge of tears yet I never cry?

It’s as if my heart is slowly breaking apart with each passing day. And I know I shouldn’t take things so personally, not when our foundation was never strong to begin with. How could I expect more? When did we lose it? Where did your interest go? What did I do?

I try not to ask myself those questions because I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer. Or maybe there is no answer to it at all because I’ve read too much into it when I should’ve just seen it for what it is. Temporary and shallow.

All I want to do is cry out in frustration. All I want to do is leave. All I want is better from you. For me.

It just is so frustrating! You present yourself in such an interesting way in front of others yet when it’s just us two…it’s softer, comfortable, but still out of reach somehow. How does any of that make sense?

I guess we’re both just indecisive and in denial. I don’t want to leave and neither do you but you can’t seem to give me more and I’m getting tired.

No one ever warned me about you

No one ever warns you how complicated love and relationships can get.

No one tells you about the pain that stabs my heart when I see you with other girls who don’t understand your sweet and gentle soul.

No one says anything about how sad the truth is that you’re not mine & I can’t be yours.

No one talks about how much it hurts to want to be held by you but never being able to have that want fulfilled.

It’s a pain I know I will eventually be numb to but it’s a reality that will take some time to sink in. Am I truly satisfied or am I just resigning? Do I even deserve happiness if this is how I am going to be?

No one ever talks about how difficult love can get until you realize you don’t know what love really is.

No one ever told me I would find you.

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Panicking

How do you work past the unbearable fear that nothing is going to work out the way you hope it to? How can someone just move forward into the unknown on a thin line of hope? 

These feelings of panic stir within me regardless if my legs are moving forward or not -they usually are though- and I’ve come so far. I have everything to be proud of yet I’m stuck looking into the future with a fearful feeling in my stomach. Most time, people worry about friends who are stuck living in the past but me, I’m stuck worrying about how I’m going to live in the future. Mind you, I’m not afraid of where I’ll be in five years or so but these upcoming months are terrifying. I’m transitioning into grad school this upcoming fall and Central California is nothing compared to the prices in San Diego.

Of course I have a plan but…will it all work out? Can I really afford it all on my own? Will we be okay? Will he be okay? He needs me just as much as I need him right now and every night we cling to each other just a little tighter than the night before. And then of course, there’s the issue with my parents. They’re barely getting by, how can I rely on them? It feels so selfish just thinking about it.

It’s going to be fine. Everything always works out and whatever doesn’t work out was for a good reason. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve always been able to go with the punches so why should this be any different?

How much is really on the line right now? That is key to keeping my anxiety at bay. It’s so easy to stress over possible failures that it’s hard to keep in mind the big picture and how minimal the consequences actually are.

Here’s hoping I keep that in mind and my sanity survives the summer.