Late Night Thoughts

It feels like I keep failing the same lesson over and over again. I like to say baby steps are still steps but have I made any progress? I get so stuck in this cycle of wanting to grow and then questioning my growth. There’s this constant need for validation from someone else which defeats the purpose of what I’m actually trying to do. I’m trying to show up for myself more often. I deserve to stand strong in my corner yet there are some days where I feel like I’ve really failed in that aspect. Those are the days I feel like I am lying to myself the most and it’s hard.

I feel like I’m always stuck in this cycle of right person, wrong time. That seems to be the pattern for me. Is that even a thing? Or are they the wrong people? And it’s just not my time for a love so infinite. Maybe I’m just too fixated on love and romance. Maybe I’m asking for too much from the universe and these connections I make are signs that I need to stop asking and let it all happen in its own time. Well if I could stop meeting the incredible people I meet then maybe I would stop asking. It’s so hard to walk away from a connection you feel so tightly bonded to. How do you walk away from a connection where it’s been nothing but natural and easy flowing? How do you walk away from someone who makes you feel like sunshine?

You try, I guess. You do what you can to distance yourself from the feeling because at the end of the day, feelings are temporary. And you shouldn’t decide on someone who can’t decide on you. You are worth more than indecisiveness. You are worth more than being held onto from a distance. You deserve to receive love whole and completely.

I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Up Before Everyone

The constant back and forth in my head

How is it possible that I’m always on the verge of tears yet I never cry?

It’s as if my heart is slowly breaking apart with each passing day. And I know I shouldn’t take things so personally, not when our foundation was never strong to begin with. How could I expect more? When did we lose it? Where did your interest go? What did I do?

I try not to ask myself those questions because I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer. Or maybe there is no answer to it at all because I’ve read too much into it when I should’ve just seen it for what it is. Temporary and shallow.

All I want to do is cry out in frustration. All I want to do is leave. All I want is better from you. For me.

It just is so frustrating! You present yourself in such an interesting way in front of others yet when it’s just us two…it’s softer, comfortable, but still out of reach somehow. How does any of that make sense?

I guess we’re both just indecisive and in denial. I don’t want to leave and neither do you but you can’t seem to give me more and I’m getting tired.

Connected

How is it that when I’m thinking of you yet least expecting you, you show up? How is it that you can always appear before me when I need you the most? How is any of this fair?

I feel so vulnerable when I’m with you and it terrifies me in the most exciting way.

I haven’t felt my heart beat this nervously in such a long time and I just need to keep reminding myself that this is all temporary. I can’t get attached and as much as I wish you would, I know you’re doing the same thing.

Attachment can only lead to pain and we can only go downhill from here.

No one ever warned me about you

No one ever warns you how complicated love and relationships can get.

No one tells you about the pain that stabs my heart when I see you with other girls who don’t understand your sweet and gentle soul.

No one says anything about how sad the truth is that you’re not mine & I can’t be yours.

No one talks about how much it hurts to want to be held by you but never being able to have that want fulfilled.

It’s a pain I know I will eventually be numb to but it’s a reality that will take some time to sink in. Am I truly satisfied or am I just resigning? Do I even deserve happiness if this is how I am going to be?

No one ever talks about how difficult love can get until you realize you don’t know what love really is.

No one ever told me I would find you.

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Sometimes I have a lot of doubt

Sometimes I have doubts about us

Are we still in love or are we just

comfortable?

Is this a forever commitment or are we just

comfortable? 

I’ve never been with someone for so long and it

terrifies me

But every time you walk into the room and smile at me

I melt

We laugh about things that I can’t see myself laughing about with anyone else

We say “I love you” daily and actually mean it

Sometimes fear and doubt crawl into my head about what would life be like if I just

ran away and started new

But my heart knows that life would be

dull and bleak

without you

sometimes I have doubts about us

but never for long and never for real.