Connected

How is it that when I’m thinking of you yet least expecting you, you show up? How is it that you can always appear before me when I need you the most? How is any of this fair?

I feel so vulnerable when I’m with you and it terrifies me in the most exciting way.

I haven’t felt my heart beat this nervously in such a long time and I just need to keep reminding myself that this is all temporary. I can’t get attached and as much as I wish you would, I know you’re doing the same thing.

Attachment can only lead to pain and we can only go downhill from here.

No one ever warned me about you

No one ever warns you how complicated love and relationships can get.

No one tells you about the pain that stabs my heart when I see you with other girls who don’t understand your sweet and gentle soul.

No one says anything about how sad the truth is that you’re not mine & I can’t be yours.

No one talks about how much it hurts to want to be held by you but never being able to have that want fulfilled.

It’s a pain I know I will eventually be numb to but it’s a reality that will take some time to sink in. Am I truly satisfied or am I just resigning? Do I even deserve happiness if this is how I am going to be?

No one ever talks about how difficult love can get until you realize you don’t know what love really is.

No one ever told me I would find you.

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Dizzy

Everything I do lately makes me feel dizzy. Part of me wants to play it off as “oh, it’s just that end of semester rush” but another part of me just wants to throw up.

Grad school can really make a girl sick in more ways than one and I don’t know if I can handle feeling dizzy for another year. I close my eyes and take my deep breaths in order to calm my spinning head.

I’m so tired of feeling dizzy and I’m so tired of feeling tied down. I have commitment issues and just reflecting about everything I’m trying to work with doesn’t really bring me any peace.

I’m dizzy and I don’t think I’m going to stop spinning around anytime soon. If someone can stop me, that’d be great because I think I’m going to drop soon.

I can’t say I’m the same person I was a year ago and I think that’s okay. I definitely have lost a lot but I’ve gained so much in other ways.

I’m still not confident in my abilities but I feel okay about jumping into the unknown. It’s gotten me this far so I guess that’s worth something, right?

I feel as if my self-esteem has been dealt a huge blow and I’m the greatest liar ever because I don’t think anyone has noticed. I’m constantly battling with myself and my inability to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of some of my most trusted friends. I know they would understand but I just want to move forward and exposing my truths will only stall everything. If I share my concerns and insecurities then we are going to end up digging deeper and unpacking my baggage and that’s just way too much to dig through.

I need to figure out how to be better so I can do better.

Bookstore Love Letter

Recently I noticed being in a bookstore provides some form of peace that is hard to come by. There’s something comforting and magical about being in a place surrounded by worlds beyond my dull imagination. It’s encouraging being in a bookstore. It encourages exploration of the unknown, reflection and remembrance of those before us, and whispers lovingly for you to pursue your dreams of creativity.

Bookstores are rare gems but when you find one, it always feels like coming home even if it’s a new store you’ve never been to before.

Books don’t judge, they don’t ask where you’ve been and where you’re going. They simply listen to you whisper your hopes for escape. They gently take you by the hand and lead you away from your sorrows and nightmares. You cradle books as you would cradle a young child or small animal and care for books with the same loving feel you have when you care for a loved one who has fallen temporarily sick with a fever. For that is the only way you know how to show gratitude and appreciation for a place and an object that are both so much more than simply a place and an object. For books and bookstores alike have been there for you when others have not. Their doors and pages always welcome you with open arms ready to wipe away any fears and tears you may bring with you. Being a citizen of a world so cold, bookstores provide you with a cave of wonder and warmth. Take advantage while you can for bookstores are rare and fleeting. 

 

Panicking

How do you work past the unbearable fear that nothing is going to work out the way you hope it to? How can someone just move forward into the unknown on a thin line of hope? 

These feelings of panic stir within me regardless if my legs are moving forward or not -they usually are though- and I’ve come so far. I have everything to be proud of yet I’m stuck looking into the future with a fearful feeling in my stomach. Most time, people worry about friends who are stuck living in the past but me, I’m stuck worrying about how I’m going to live in the future. Mind you, I’m not afraid of where I’ll be in five years or so but these upcoming months are terrifying. I’m transitioning into grad school this upcoming fall and Central California is nothing compared to the prices in San Diego.

Of course I have a plan but…will it all work out? Can I really afford it all on my own? Will we be okay? Will he be okay? He needs me just as much as I need him right now and every night we cling to each other just a little tighter than the night before. And then of course, there’s the issue with my parents. They’re barely getting by, how can I rely on them? It feels so selfish just thinking about it.

It’s going to be fine. Everything always works out and whatever doesn’t work out was for a good reason. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve always been able to go with the punches so why should this be any different?

How much is really on the line right now? That is key to keeping my anxiety at bay. It’s so easy to stress over possible failures that it’s hard to keep in mind the big picture and how minimal the consequences actually are.

Here’s hoping I keep that in mind and my sanity survives the summer.

Some Nights

I put my watch to charge, my rings in their box.

Wash my teeth then wash, tone, and moisturize my face -extra vitamin E on the dry patches underneath one of my eyes-

I get in bed, toss and turn until I’m comfortable and for a moment I am…until the silence becomes uncomfortable.

That’s when they begin.

Will I get that position? 

Am I going to find housing? 

Can I even afford housing? 

What if I can’t do long distance? 

What if he can’t do long distance? Will the cats have to split up too? 

Will he resent me? 

All these uncertainties swirling inside me. Answers that are taking too long. Frustration that only continues to build up.

Patience. 

Patience, you whisper to me. Be patient, allow yourself to feel, b r e a t h e. You’re alive and you’ve come so far, nothing will stop you now. Trust in yourself and be patient. 

Like a warm blanket, you hug me and the tears I hadn’t realized were threatening to fall begin pouring out as if a dam had just collapsed from inside of me. Slowly, and with the help of gentle back rubs, my nerves calm themselves.

You kiss my eyelids and your lips are the last thing I have on my mind before finally drifting off to sleep. 

babies

Sometimes I have a lot of doubt

Sometimes I have doubts about us

Are we still in love or are we just

comfortable?

Is this a forever commitment or are we just

comfortable? 

I’ve never been with someone for so long and it

terrifies me

But every time you walk into the room and smile at me

I melt

We laugh about things that I can’t see myself laughing about with anyone else

We say “I love you” daily and actually mean it

Sometimes fear and doubt crawl into my head about what would life be like if I just

ran away and started new

But my heart knows that life would be

dull and bleak

without you

sometimes I have doubts about us

but never for long and never for real.

 

First post

I’m just an amateur trying to live in these trying times. I have trouble sleeping because my brain does not stop once my head hits the pillow so I think of things that I want to share but I’m too afraid to share with people I know in real life. My shared thoughts will, for the most part, be unfiltered and only slightly modified to suit my mood at the time. Here’s hoping I’ll get better…stick around to find out!

Enter the forest that is my mind (don’t worry, you don’t need bug spray).

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