A conversation with myself

What do you even want? You have a list of things that scream how incompatible you two are for each other. There are some core differences that you’re not even sure you can be okay with. You’re driven, passionate, and insightful. He’s sweet, charming, and funny but he’s not motivated, he hardly pays you much attention, and this situationship has been going on long enough that you’re never going to get past the shallow into deeper waters like you’d hope for.

Is that what this pain is all is? Just you throwing a tantrum because things aren’t going your way? Haven’t you learned from this kind of affection before? There’s no point sticking around and hoping for more when you KNOW there won’t be more. If nothing has happened by now, what makes you think it’s going to change any time soon? Why do you keep putting up with this? Why can’t you let go?

Preciosa, I love you so much and want so much more for you. I want better for you. You deserve it. You are worth it. If he hasn’t seen that then that’s just that. It’s not your problem to fix or to prove him otherwise so he can change his mind. He won’t and I need us to come to terms with it. It’s been nothing but superficial and hardly ever reciprocal. Think about it long term. Say he does change his mind. Do you see how long it’s taken for him to come around (hypothetically)? Imagine how much longer you’ll have to wait for any other next steps you might be interested in further along the road. That’s not for you. You are patient but mi vida, when is enough, enough?

If he walks away, he walks away. We can’t control how other act or what they say but we do have control over how we act or react. You have all of the control over yourself even though it doesn’t feel much like it right now. I know you’re tired of hearing this but things will fall into place soon, when the time is right. And you will blossom, my beautiful orchid. You’ll blossom so fully, no one will be able to divert their eyes. It’s all baby steps until then. Cuídaté, enamórate de ti misma, y déjate llevar por ti misma.

Connected

How is it that when I’m thinking of you yet least expecting you, you show up? How is it that you can always appear before me when I need you the most? How is any of this fair?

I feel so vulnerable when I’m with you and it terrifies me in the most exciting way.

I haven’t felt my heart beat this nervously in such a long time and I just need to keep reminding myself that this is all temporary. I can’t get attached and as much as I wish you would, I know you’re doing the same thing.

Attachment can only lead to pain and we can only go downhill from here.

No one ever warned me about you

No one ever warns you how complicated love and relationships can get.

No one tells you about the pain that stabs my heart when I see you with other girls who don’t understand your sweet and gentle soul.

No one says anything about how sad the truth is that you’re not mine & I can’t be yours.

No one talks about how much it hurts to want to be held by you but never being able to have that want fulfilled.

It’s a pain I know I will eventually be numb to but it’s a reality that will take some time to sink in. Am I truly satisfied or am I just resigning? Do I even deserve happiness if this is how I am going to be?

No one ever talks about how difficult love can get until you realize you don’t know what love really is.

No one ever told me I would find you.

IMG_1249

 

Bookstore Love Letter

Recently I noticed being in a bookstore provides some form of peace that is hard to come by. There’s something comforting and magical about being in a place surrounded by worlds beyond my dull imagination. It’s encouraging being in a bookstore. It encourages exploration of the unknown, reflection and remembrance of those before us, and whispers lovingly for you to pursue your dreams of creativity.

Bookstores are rare gems but when you find one, it always feels like coming home even if it’s a new store you’ve never been to before.

Books don’t judge, they don’t ask where you’ve been and where you’re going. They simply listen to you whisper your hopes for escape. They gently take you by the hand and lead you away from your sorrows and nightmares. You cradle books as you would cradle a young child or small animal and care for books with the same loving feel you have when you care for a loved one who has fallen temporarily sick with a fever. For that is the only way you know how to show gratitude and appreciation for a place and an object that are both so much more than simply a place and an object. For books and bookstores alike have been there for you when others have not. Their doors and pages always welcome you with open arms ready to wipe away any fears and tears you may bring with you. Being a citizen of a world so cold, bookstores provide you with a cave of wonder and warmth. Take advantage while you can for bookstores are rare and fleeting. 

 

Some Nights

I put my watch to charge, my rings in their box.

Wash my teeth then wash, tone, and moisturize my face -extra vitamin E on the dry patches underneath one of my eyes-

I get in bed, toss and turn until I’m comfortable and for a moment I am…until the silence becomes uncomfortable.

That’s when they begin.

Will I get that position? 

Am I going to find housing? 

Can I even afford housing? 

What if I can’t do long distance? 

What if he can’t do long distance? Will the cats have to split up too? 

Will he resent me? 

All these uncertainties swirling inside me. Answers that are taking too long. Frustration that only continues to build up.

Patience. 

Patience, you whisper to me. Be patient, allow yourself to feel, b r e a t h e. You’re alive and you’ve come so far, nothing will stop you now. Trust in yourself and be patient. 

Like a warm blanket, you hug me and the tears I hadn’t realized were threatening to fall begin pouring out as if a dam had just collapsed from inside of me. Slowly, and with the help of gentle back rubs, my nerves calm themselves.

You kiss my eyelids and your lips are the last thing I have on my mind before finally drifting off to sleep. 

babies

A letter to my high school self

Stop looking for a connection that just isn’t there.

Wash your face, drink more water, and moisturize more often, you’ll feel amazing.

Love yourself more. 

Stop trying to earn his approval, he’s a drunk right now. Not your dad.

Hug mom, she’s strong but everything is weighing her down right now.

Tell her the truth, she’s your sister and she loves you. She deserves to know.

Don’t open the door when he knocks in the middle of the night. Nothing good ever happens. 

Breakup with him in person, not text. He deserves better than that.

Don’t send those pictures, he doesn’t deserve to see that side of you. But if you do send them, thank Maria for stopping you from spiraling. 

Just study more, run often, and don’t seclude yourself. Open up, you have great friends who want to help. Your teachers are there for you too, you have amazing people in your life that outweigh the bad ones, love them fiercely and let them know.

You’ll miss them all when you leave six hours away so tell them how impactful they have been and keep in touch.

Keep love in your life, don’t wait too long. 

I love you.

Sometimes I have a lot of doubt

Sometimes I have doubts about us

Are we still in love or are we just

comfortable?

Is this a forever commitment or are we just

comfortable? 

I’ve never been with someone for so long and it

terrifies me

But every time you walk into the room and smile at me

I melt

We laugh about things that I can’t see myself laughing about with anyone else

We say “I love you” daily and actually mean it

Sometimes fear and doubt crawl into my head about what would life be like if I just

ran away and started new

But my heart knows that life would be

dull and bleak

without you

sometimes I have doubts about us

but never for long and never for real.