Connected

How is it that when I’m thinking of you yet least expecting you, you show up? How is it that you can always appear before me when I need you the most? How is any of this fair?

I feel so vulnerable when I’m with you and it terrifies me in the most exciting way.

I haven’t felt my heart beat this nervously in such a long time and I just need to keep reminding myself that this is all temporary. I can’t get attached and as much as I wish you would, I know you’re doing the same thing.

Attachment can only lead to pain and we can only go downhill from here.

No one ever warned me about you

No one ever warns you how complicated love and relationships can get.

No one tells you about the pain that stabs my heart when I see you with other girls who don’t understand your sweet and gentle soul.

No one says anything about how sad the truth is that you’re not mine & I can’t be yours.

No one talks about how much it hurts to want to be held by you but never being able to have that want fulfilled.

It’s a pain I know I will eventually be numb to but it’s a reality that will take some time to sink in. Am I truly satisfied or am I just resigning? Do I even deserve happiness if this is how I am going to be?

No one ever talks about how difficult love can get until you realize you don’t know what love really is.

No one ever told me I would find you.

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Dizzy

Everything I do lately makes me feel dizzy. Part of me wants to play it off as “oh, it’s just that end of semester rush” but another part of me just wants to throw up.

Grad school can really make a girl sick in more ways than one and I don’t know if I can handle feeling dizzy for another year. I close my eyes and take my deep breaths in order to calm my spinning head.

I’m so tired of feeling dizzy and I’m so tired of feeling tied down. I have commitment issues and just reflecting about everything I’m trying to work with doesn’t really bring me any peace.

I’m dizzy and I don’t think I’m going to stop spinning around anytime soon. If someone can stop me, that’d be great because I think I’m going to drop soon.

I can’t say I’m the same person I was a year ago and I think that’s okay. I definitely have lost a lot but I’ve gained so much in other ways.

I’m still not confident in my abilities but I feel okay about jumping into the unknown. It’s gotten me this far so I guess that’s worth something, right?

I feel as if my self-esteem has been dealt a huge blow and I’m the greatest liar ever because I don’t think anyone has noticed. I’m constantly battling with myself and my inability to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of some of my most trusted friends. I know they would understand but I just want to move forward and exposing my truths will only stall everything. If I share my concerns and insecurities then we are going to end up digging deeper and unpacking my baggage and that’s just way too much to dig through.

I need to figure out how to be better so I can do better.

Panicking

How do you work past the unbearable fear that nothing is going to work out the way you hope it to? How can someone just move forward into the unknown on a thin line of hope? 

These feelings of panic stir within me regardless if my legs are moving forward or not -they usually are though- and I’ve come so far. I have everything to be proud of yet I’m stuck looking into the future with a fearful feeling in my stomach. Most time, people worry about friends who are stuck living in the past but me, I’m stuck worrying about how I’m going to live in the future. Mind you, I’m not afraid of where I’ll be in five years or so but these upcoming months are terrifying. I’m transitioning into grad school this upcoming fall and Central California is nothing compared to the prices in San Diego.

Of course I have a plan but…will it all work out? Can I really afford it all on my own? Will we be okay? Will he be okay? He needs me just as much as I need him right now and every night we cling to each other just a little tighter than the night before. And then of course, there’s the issue with my parents. They’re barely getting by, how can I rely on them? It feels so selfish just thinking about it.

It’s going to be fine. Everything always works out and whatever doesn’t work out was for a good reason. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve always been able to go with the punches so why should this be any different?

How much is really on the line right now? That is key to keeping my anxiety at bay. It’s so easy to stress over possible failures that it’s hard to keep in mind the big picture and how minimal the consequences actually are.

Here’s hoping I keep that in mind and my sanity survives the summer.