Panicking

How do you work past the unbearable fear that nothing is going to work out the way you hope it to? How can someone just move forward into the unknown on a thin line of hope? 

These feelings of panic stir within me regardless if my legs are moving forward or not -they usually are though- and I’ve come so far. I have everything to be proud of yet I’m stuck looking into the future with a fearful feeling in my stomach. Most time, people worry about friends who are stuck living in the past but me, I’m stuck worrying about how I’m going to live in the future. Mind you, I’m not afraid of where I’ll be in five years or so but these upcoming months are terrifying. I’m transitioning into grad school this upcoming fall and Central California is nothing compared to the prices in San Diego.

Of course I have a plan but…will it all work out? Can I really afford it all on my own? Will we be okay? Will he be okay? He needs me just as much as I need him right now and every night we cling to each other just a little tighter than the night before. And then of course, there’s the issue with my parents. They’re barely getting by, how can I rely on them? It feels so selfish just thinking about it.

It’s going to be fine. Everything always works out and whatever doesn’t work out was for a good reason. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve always been able to go with the punches so why should this be any different?

How much is really on the line right now? That is key to keeping my anxiety at bay. It’s so easy to stress over possible failures that it’s hard to keep in mind the big picture and how minimal the consequences actually are.

Here’s hoping I keep that in mind and my sanity survives the summer.

Empty

IMG_1476An empty beach offers you so much. The breeze offers you cooling hugs, the waves offer you a distraction for your turmoil and thoughts, and the sand offers constant company (because it’s with you even after you leave) and the solitude offers you a chance to breathe and to simply be.

Mother

Mother, so loving, so courageous.

Why do you let him treat you that way? Forcing you to stay by his side at all times as if someone were going to steal you away and treat you better.

Carrying you around as if you were another one of his keychains weighing him down to this family.

You. The same woman who I saw confront drunk racists banging on our garage in the middle of the night when he was away and we were all young and afraid.

You. The same woman who would wake up at 5 AM just to make breakfast for your daughter who annoyingly signed up for 0 period.

Mother. You’re so brave & so giving. Yet he takes and takes as does she while the other just stops by when it’s convenient for her. You’ve sacrificed so much, I can see it in your eyes, feel it in the calluses of your hands, and hear it in your voice when you tell me “cuídate y no dejes que te digan nada.”

I love you, ma but you deserve so much better than this family.

Some Nights

I put my watch to charge, my rings in their box.

Wash my teeth then wash, tone, and moisturize my face -extra vitamin E on the dry patches underneath one of my eyes-

I get in bed, toss and turn until I’m comfortable and for a moment I am…until the silence becomes uncomfortable.

That’s when they begin.

Will I get that position? 

Am I going to find housing? 

Can I even afford housing? 

What if I can’t do long distance? 

What if he can’t do long distance? Will the cats have to split up too? 

Will he resent me? 

All these uncertainties swirling inside me. Answers that are taking too long. Frustration that only continues to build up.

Patience. 

Patience, you whisper to me. Be patient, allow yourself to feel, b r e a t h e. You’re alive and you’ve come so far, nothing will stop you now. Trust in yourself and be patient. 

Like a warm blanket, you hug me and the tears I hadn’t realized were threatening to fall begin pouring out as if a dam had just collapsed from inside of me. Slowly, and with the help of gentle back rubs, my nerves calm themselves.

You kiss my eyelids and your lips are the last thing I have on my mind before finally drifting off to sleep. 

babies

A letter to my high school self

Stop looking for a connection that just isn’t there.

Wash your face, drink more water, and moisturize more often, you’ll feel amazing.

Love yourself more. 

Stop trying to earn his approval, he’s a drunk right now. Not your dad.

Hug mom, she’s strong but everything is weighing her down right now.

Tell her the truth, she’s your sister and she loves you. She deserves to know.

Don’t open the door when he knocks in the middle of the night. Nothing good ever happens. 

Breakup with him in person, not text. He deserves better than that.

Don’t send those pictures, he doesn’t deserve to see that side of you. But if you do send them, thank Maria for stopping you from spiraling. 

Just study more, run often, and don’t seclude yourself. Open up, you have great friends who want to help. Your teachers are there for you too, you have amazing people in your life that outweigh the bad ones, love them fiercely and let them know.

You’ll miss them all when you leave six hours away so tell them how impactful they have been and keep in touch.

Keep love in your life, don’t wait too long. 

I love you.

One of the good days

IMG_1390.JPGToday was one of the better days I’ve had in awhile.

I didn’t have any overwhelming fear-fueled overthinking moments.

I lived in the moments, let my readings inspire me all over again, & noticed the beauty of the world around me.

I contemplated my past and considered my future but it all felt peaceful while doing so.

There aren’t many days where I can think and not feel terrified or nervous or even nauseous so today was definitely one of the good days.

I’d like to keep it that way.

Sometimes I have a lot of doubt

Sometimes I have doubts about us

Are we still in love or are we just

comfortable?

Is this a forever commitment or are we just

comfortable? 

I’ve never been with someone for so long and it

terrifies me

But every time you walk into the room and smile at me

I melt

We laugh about things that I can’t see myself laughing about with anyone else

We say “I love you” daily and actually mean it

Sometimes fear and doubt crawl into my head about what would life be like if I just

ran away and started new

But my heart knows that life would be

dull and bleak

without you

sometimes I have doubts about us

but never for long and never for real.

 

First post

I’m just an amateur trying to live in these trying times. I have trouble sleeping because my brain does not stop once my head hits the pillow so I think of things that I want to share but I’m too afraid to share with people I know in real life. My shared thoughts will, for the most part, be unfiltered and only slightly modified to suit my mood at the time. Here’s hoping I’ll get better…stick around to find out!

Enter the forest that is my mind (don’t worry, you don’t need bug spray).

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