A conversation with myself

What do you even want? You have a list of things that scream how incompatible you two are for each other. There are some core differences that you’re not even sure you can be okay with. You’re driven, passionate, and insightful. He’s sweet, charming, and funny but he’s not motivated, he hardly pays you much attention, and this situationship has been going on long enough that you’re never going to get past the shallow into deeper waters like you’d hope for.

Is that what this pain is all is? Just you throwing a tantrum because things aren’t going your way? Haven’t you learned from this kind of affection before? There’s no point sticking around and hoping for more when you KNOW there won’t be more. If nothing has happened by now, what makes you think it’s going to change any time soon? Why do you keep putting up with this? Why can’t you let go?

Preciosa, I love you so much and want so much more for you. I want better for you. You deserve it. You are worth it. If he hasn’t seen that then that’s just that. It’s not your problem to fix or to prove him otherwise so he can change his mind. He won’t and I need us to come to terms with it. It’s been nothing but superficial and hardly ever reciprocal. Think about it long term. Say he does change his mind. Do you see how long it’s taken for him to come around (hypothetically)? Imagine how much longer you’ll have to wait for any other next steps you might be interested in further along the road. That’s not for you. You are patient but mi vida, when is enough, enough?

If he walks away, he walks away. We can’t control how other act or what they say but we do have control over how we act or react. You have all of the control over yourself even though it doesn’t feel much like it right now. I know you’re tired of hearing this but things will fall into place soon, when the time is right. And you will blossom, my beautiful orchid. You’ll blossom so fully, no one will be able to divert their eyes. It’s all baby steps until then. Cuídaté, enamórate de ti misma, y déjate llevar por ti misma.

The constant back and forth in my head

How is it possible that I’m always on the verge of tears yet I never cry?

It’s as if my heart is slowly breaking apart with each passing day. And I know I shouldn’t take things so personally, not when our foundation was never strong to begin with. How could I expect more? When did we lose it? Where did your interest go? What did I do?

I try not to ask myself those questions because I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer. Or maybe there is no answer to it at all because I’ve read too much into it when I should’ve just seen it for what it is. Temporary and shallow.

All I want to do is cry out in frustration. All I want to do is leave. All I want is better from you. For me.

It just is so frustrating! You present yourself in such an interesting way in front of others yet when it’s just us two…it’s softer, comfortable, but still out of reach somehow. How does any of that make sense?

I guess we’re both just indecisive and in denial. I don’t want to leave and neither do you but you can’t seem to give me more and I’m getting tired.

Grad School Update

I’m finally done with my masters program and graduation is a two weeks away! I’m so excited yet so exhausted.

It has been such a long time since I had all of this free time. This time, my free time is permanent and I am free to do as I please. What a wild time.

I’m excited to come back to writing.

Connected

How is it that when I’m thinking of you yet least expecting you, you show up? How is it that you can always appear before me when I need you the most? How is any of this fair?

I feel so vulnerable when I’m with you and it terrifies me in the most exciting way.

I haven’t felt my heart beat this nervously in such a long time and I just need to keep reminding myself that this is all temporary. I can’t get attached and as much as I wish you would, I know you’re doing the same thing.

Attachment can only lead to pain and we can only go downhill from here.

No one ever warned me about you

No one ever warns you how complicated love and relationships can get.

No one tells you about the pain that stabs my heart when I see you with other girls who don’t understand your sweet and gentle soul.

No one says anything about how sad the truth is that you’re not mine & I can’t be yours.

No one talks about how much it hurts to want to be held by you but never being able to have that want fulfilled.

It’s a pain I know I will eventually be numb to but it’s a reality that will take some time to sink in. Am I truly satisfied or am I just resigning? Do I even deserve happiness if this is how I am going to be?

No one ever talks about how difficult love can get until you realize you don’t know what love really is.

No one ever told me I would find you.

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Dizzy

Everything I do lately makes me feel dizzy. Part of me wants to play it off as “oh, it’s just that end of semester rush” but another part of me just wants to throw up.

Grad school can really make a girl sick in more ways than one and I don’t know if I can handle feeling dizzy for another year. I close my eyes and take my deep breaths in order to calm my spinning head.

I’m so tired of feeling dizzy and I’m so tired of feeling tied down. I have commitment issues and just reflecting about everything I’m trying to work with doesn’t really bring me any peace.

I’m dizzy and I don’t think I’m going to stop spinning around anytime soon. If someone can stop me, that’d be great because I think I’m going to drop soon.

Where I’ve Been

I’ve recently relocated to a new and bigger city for grad school and settling in to the new place and environment has been a journey.

I’m proud to say that I have made plenty of new friends among the people in my cohort, my cat is living comfortably with me, and my new bed is heaven.

Getting around and adjusting to needing to make spare time for parking has been a learning experience that I keep having to relearn. Can’t complain too much because there’s a Chevron gas station down the street for me so that’s convenient.

As for my relationship status: it’s long distance and it’s going okay. I’m not too insecure but I am still concerned. Distance and time changes people and I just hope we can still grow together into people we love even more than before.

 

Keep me in your thoughts ya’ll. I’ll try to keep up to date on here.

Bookstore Love Letter

Recently I noticed being in a bookstore provides some form of peace that is hard to come by. There’s something comforting and magical about being in a place surrounded by worlds beyond my dull imagination. It’s encouraging being in a bookstore. It encourages exploration of the unknown, reflection and remembrance of those before us, and whispers lovingly for you to pursue your dreams of creativity.

Bookstores are rare gems but when you find one, it always feels like coming home even if it’s a new store you’ve never been to before.

Books don’t judge, they don’t ask where you’ve been and where you’re going. They simply listen to you whisper your hopes for escape. They gently take you by the hand and lead you away from your sorrows and nightmares. You cradle books as you would cradle a young child or small animal and care for books with the same loving feel you have when you care for a loved one who has fallen temporarily sick with a fever. For that is the only way you know how to show gratitude and appreciation for a place and an object that are both so much more than simply a place and an object. For books and bookstores alike have been there for you when others have not. Their doors and pages always welcome you with open arms ready to wipe away any fears and tears you may bring with you. Being a citizen of a world so cold, bookstores provide you with a cave of wonder and warmth. Take advantage while you can for bookstores are rare and fleeting. 

 

Panicking

How do you work past the unbearable fear that nothing is going to work out the way you hope it to? How can someone just move forward into the unknown on a thin line of hope? 

These feelings of panic stir within me regardless if my legs are moving forward or not -they usually are though- and I’ve come so far. I have everything to be proud of yet I’m stuck looking into the future with a fearful feeling in my stomach. Most time, people worry about friends who are stuck living in the past but me, I’m stuck worrying about how I’m going to live in the future. Mind you, I’m not afraid of where I’ll be in five years or so but these upcoming months are terrifying. I’m transitioning into grad school this upcoming fall and Central California is nothing compared to the prices in San Diego.

Of course I have a plan but…will it all work out? Can I really afford it all on my own? Will we be okay? Will he be okay? He needs me just as much as I need him right now and every night we cling to each other just a little tighter than the night before. And then of course, there’s the issue with my parents. They’re barely getting by, how can I rely on them? It feels so selfish just thinking about it.

It’s going to be fine. Everything always works out and whatever doesn’t work out was for a good reason. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve always been able to go with the punches so why should this be any different?

How much is really on the line right now? That is key to keeping my anxiety at bay. It’s so easy to stress over possible failures that it’s hard to keep in mind the big picture and how minimal the consequences actually are.

Here’s hoping I keep that in mind and my sanity survives the summer.

Empty

IMG_1476An empty beach offers you so much. The breeze offers you cooling hugs, the waves offer you a distraction for your turmoil and thoughts, and the sand offers constant company (because it’s with you even after you leave) and the solitude offers you a chance to breathe and to simply be.