Dizzy

Everything I do lately makes me feel dizzy. Part of me wants to play it off as “oh, it’s just that end of semester rush” but another part of me just wants to throw up.

Grad school can really make a girl sick in more ways than one and I don’t know if I can handle feeling dizzy for another year. I close my eyes and take my deep breaths in order to calm my spinning head.

I’m so tired of feeling dizzy and I’m so tired of feeling tied down. I have commitment issues and just reflecting about everything I’m trying to work with doesn’t really bring me any piece.

I’m dizzy and I don’t think I’m going to stop spinning around anytime soon. If someone can stop me, that’d be great because I think I’m going to drop soon.

I can’t say I’m the same person I was a year ago and I think that’s okay. I definitely have lost a lot but I’ve gained so much in other ways.

I’m still not confident in my abilities but I feel okay about jumping into the unknown. It’s gotten me this far so I guess that’s worth something, right?

I feel as if my self-esteem has been dealt a huge blow and I’m the greatest liar ever because I don’t think anyone has noticed. I’m constantly battling with myself and my inability to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of some of my most trusted friends. I know they would understand but I just want to move forward and exposing my truths will only stall everything. If I share my concerns and insecurities then we are going to end up digging deeper and unpacking my baggage and that’s just way too much to dig through.

I need to figure out how to be better so I can do better.

Where I’ve Been

I’ve recently relocated to a new and bigger city for grad school and settling in to the new place and environment has been a journey.

I’m proud to say that I have made plenty of new friends among the people in my cohort, my cat is living comfortably with me, and my new bed is heaven.

Getting around and adjusting to needing to make spare time for parking has been a learning experience that I keep having to relearn. Can’t complain too much because there’s a Chevron gas station down the street for me so that’s convenient.

As for my relationship status: it’s long distance and it’s going okay. I’m not too insecure but I am still concerned. Distance and time changes people and I just hope we can still grow together into people we love even more than before.

 

Keep me in your thoughts ya’ll. I’ll try to keep up to date on here.

Bookstore Love Letter

Recently I noticed being in a bookstore provides some form of peace that is hard to come by. There’s something comforting and magical about being in a place surrounded by worlds beyond my dull imagination. It’s encouraging being in a bookstore. It encourages exploration of the unknown, reflection and remembrance of those before us, and whispers lovingly for you to pursue your dreams of creativity.

Bookstores are rare gems but when you find one, it always feels like coming home even if it’s a new store you’ve never been to before.

Books don’t judge, they don’t ask where you’ve been and where you’re going. They simply listen to you whisper your hopes for escape. They gently take you by the hand and lead you away from your sorrows and nightmares. You cradle books as you would cradle a young child or small animal and care for books with the same loving feel you have when you care for a loved one who has fallen temporarily sick with a fever. For that is the only way you know how to show gratitude and appreciation for a place and an object that are both so much more than simply a place and an object. For books and bookstores alike have been there for you when others have not. Their doors and pages always welcome you with open arms ready to wipe away any fears and tears you may bring with you. Being a citizen of a world so cold, bookstores provide you with a cave of wonder and warmth. Take advantage while you can for bookstores are rare and fleeting. 

 

Panicking

How do you work past the unbearable fear that nothing is going to work out the way you hope it to? How can someone just move forward into the unknown on a thin line of hope? 

These feelings of panic stir within me regardless if my legs are moving forward or not -they usually are though- and I’ve come so far. I have everything to be proud of yet I’m stuck looking into the future with a fearful feeling in my stomach. Most time, people worry about friends who are stuck living in the past but me, I’m stuck worrying about how I’m going to live in the future. Mind you, I’m not afraid of where I’ll be in five years or so but these upcoming months are terrifying. I’m transitioning into grad school this upcoming fall and Central California is nothing compared to the prices in San Diego.

Of course I have a plan but…will it all work out? Can I really afford it all on my own? Will we be okay? Will he be okay? He needs me just as much as I need him right now and every night we cling to each other just a little tighter than the night before. And then of course, there’s the issue with my parents. They’re barely getting by, how can I rely on them? It feels so selfish just thinking about it.

It’s going to be fine. Everything always works out and whatever doesn’t work out was for a good reason. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve always been able to go with the punches so why should this be any different?

How much is really on the line right now? That is key to keeping my anxiety at bay. It’s so easy to stress over possible failures that it’s hard to keep in mind the big picture and how minimal the consequences actually are.

Here’s hoping I keep that in mind and my sanity survives the summer.

Empty

IMG_1476An empty beach offers you so much. The breeze offers you cooling hugs, the waves offer you a distraction for your turmoil and thoughts, and the sand offers constant company (because it’s with you even after you leave) and the solitude offers you a chance to breathe and to simply be.

Mother

Mother, so loving, so courageous.

Why do you let him treat you that way? Forcing you to stay by his side at all times as if someone were going to steal you away and treat you better.

Carrying you around as if you were another one of his keychains weighing him down to this family.

You. The same woman who I saw confront drunk racists banging on our garage in the middle of the night when he was away and we were all young and afraid.

You. The same woman who would wake up at 5 AM just to make breakfast for your daughter who annoyingly signed up for 0 period.

Mother. You’re so brave & so giving. Yet he takes and takes as does she while the other just stops by when it’s convenient for her. You’ve sacrificed so much, I can see it in your eyes, feel it in the calluses of your hands, and hear it in your voice when you tell me “cuídate y no dejes que te digan nada.”

I love you, ma but you deserve so much better than this family.

Some Nights

I put my watch to charge, my rings in their box.

Wash my teeth then wash, tone, and moisturize my face -extra vitamin E on the dry patches underneath one of my eyes-

I get in bed, toss and turn until I’m comfortable and for a moment I am…until the silence becomes uncomfortable.

That’s when they begin.

Will I get that position? 

Am I going to find housing? 

Can I even afford housing? 

What if I can’t do long distance? 

What if he can’t do long distance? Will the cats have to split up too? 

Will he resent me? 

All these uncertainties swirling inside me. Answers that are taking too long. Frustration that only continues to build up.

Patience. 

Patience, you whisper to me. Be patient, allow yourself to feel, b r e a t h e. You’re alive and you’ve come so far, nothing will stop you now. Trust in yourself and be patient. 

Like a warm blanket, you hug me and the tears I hadn’t realized were threatening to fall begin pouring out as if a dam had just collapsed from inside of me. Slowly, and with the help of gentle back rubs, my nerves calm themselves.

You kiss my eyelids and your lips are the last thing I have on my mind before finally drifting off to sleep. 

babies

A letter to my high school self

Stop looking for a connection that just isn’t there.

Wash your face, drink more water, and moisturize more often, you’ll feel amazing.

Love yourself more. 

Stop trying to earn his approval, he’s a drunk right now. Not your dad.

Hug mom, she’s strong but everything is weighing her down right now.

Tell her the truth, she’s your sister and she loves you. She deserves to know.

Don’t open the door when he knocks in the middle of the night. Nothing good ever happens. 

Breakup with him in person, not text. He deserves better than that.

Don’t send those pictures, he doesn’t deserve to see that side of you. But if you do send them, thank Maria for stopping you from spiraling. 

Just study more, run often, and don’t seclude yourself. Open up, you have great friends who want to help. Your teachers are there for you too, you have amazing people in your life that outweigh the bad ones, love them fiercely and let them know.

You’ll miss them all when you leave six hours away so tell them how impactful they have been and keep in touch.

Keep love in your life, don’t wait too long. 

I love you.

One of the good days

IMG_1390.JPGToday was one of the better days I’ve had in awhile.

I didn’t have any overwhelming fear-fueled overthinking moments.

I lived in the moments, let my readings inspire me all over again, & noticed the beauty of the world around me.

I contemplated my past and considered my future but it all felt peaceful while doing so.

There aren’t many days where I can think and not feel terrified or nervous or even nauseous so today was definitely one of the good days.

I’d like to keep it that way.