The constant back and forth in my head

How is it possible that I’m always on the verge of tears yet I never cry?

It’s as if my heart is slowly breaking apart with each passing day. And I know I shouldn’t take things so personally, not when our foundation was never strong to begin with. How could I expect more? When did we lose it? Where did your interest go? What did I do?

I try not to ask myself those questions because I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer. Or maybe there is no answer to it at all because I’ve read too much into it when I should’ve just seen it for what it is. Temporary and shallow.

All I want to do is cry out in frustration. All I want to do is leave. All I want is better from you. For me.

It just is so frustrating! You present yourself in such an interesting way in front of others yet when it’s just us two…it’s softer, comfortable, but still out of reach somehow. How does any of that make sense?

I guess we’re both just indecisive and in denial. I don’t want to leave and neither do you but you can’t seem to give me more and I’m getting tired.

Late Night Thoughts

It feels like I keep failing the same lesson over and over again. I like to say baby steps are still steps but have I made any progress? I get so stuck in this cycle of wanting to grow and then questioning my growth. There’s this constant need for validation from someone else which defeats the purpose of what I’m actually trying to do. I’m trying to show up for myself more often. I deserve to stand strong in my corner yet there are some days where I feel like I’ve really failed in that aspect. Those are the days I feel like I am lying to myself the most and it’s hard.

I feel like I’m always stuck in this cycle of right person, wrong time. That seems to be the pattern for me. Is that even a thing? Or are they the wrong people? And it’s just not my time for a love so infinite. Maybe I’m just too fixated on love and romance. Maybe I’m asking for too much from the universe and these connections I make are signs that I need to stop asking and let it all happen in its own time. Well if I could stop meeting the incredible people I meet then maybe I would stop asking. It’s so hard to walk away from a connection you feel so tightly bonded to. How do you walk away from a connection where it’s been nothing but natural and easy flowing? How do you walk away from someone who makes you feel like sunshine?

You try, I guess. You do what you can to distance yourself from the feeling because at the end of the day, feelings are temporary. And you shouldn’t decide on someone who can’t decide on you. You are worth more than indecisiveness. You are worth more than being held onto from a distance. You deserve to receive love whole and completely.

I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Up Before Everyone

Starting Back Up Again

  • taking up a personal writing challenge and taking advantage of the fact that I have this space to share and track.

How do you feel? How does your creative energy flow in your workspace? What are your goals for yourself? What are you trying to accomplish?

So many questions and not enough answers. I feel…sensitive, vulnerable, and in need. I discovered a song with lyrics that take me back to how I’ve always wished love to be like. How I wished for love when I was young and innocent. Before all the heartbreaks, indecision, and distrust.

My creative energy feels like a my car when it tries going up a hill while the AC is on. It’s a long and slow climb and not what I was expecting. But taking a look around my space, my creative energy flows through the plants and their placement around the room. Each place at a spot that I feel will best meet their needs and support their growth (it’s worked out pretty well for most of them).

Goals for myself are always unclear. I just want to end up somewhere with more than what I have now. More understanding, patience, and experience. More feelings of accomplishment and better creative flow.

I just want to accomplish seeing something all the way through and being able to track it. Being able to notice and applaud my growth once this is over is something I’m looking forward to and need to keep in mind year-round. My favorite part of almost anything is witnessing and noticing growth. The excitement and anticipation are what keeps me going and aiming higher. It’s the beginning and sticking to it that holds me further back.

Not sure why I get mental blocks but it is my hope that this will combat that and I’ll be able to look at this post specifically a year from now and marvel at the difference and learned experiences.

A conversation with myself

What do you even want? You have a list of things that scream how incompatible you two are for each other. There are some core differences that you’re not even sure you can be okay with. You’re driven, passionate, and insightful. He’s sweet, charming, and funny but he’s not motivated, he hardly pays you much attention, and this situationship has been going on long enough that you’re never going to get past the shallow into deeper waters like you’d hope for.

Is that what this pain is all is? Just you throwing a tantrum because things aren’t going your way? Haven’t you learned from this kind of affection before? There’s no point sticking around and hoping for more when you KNOW there won’t be more. If nothing has happened by now, what makes you think it’s going to change any time soon? Why do you keep putting up with this? Why can’t you let go?

Preciosa, I love you so much and want so much more for you. I want better for you. You deserve it. You are worth it. If he hasn’t seen that then that’s just that. It’s not your problem to fix or to prove him otherwise so he can change his mind. He won’t and I need us to come to terms with it. It’s been nothing but superficial and hardly ever reciprocal. Think about it long term. Say he does change his mind. Do you see how long it’s taken for him to come around (hypothetically)? Imagine how much longer you’ll have to wait for any other next steps you might be interested in further along the road. That’s not for you. You are patient but mi vida, when is enough, enough?

If he walks away, he walks away. We can’t control how other act or what they say but we do have control over how we act or react. You have all of the control over yourself even though it doesn’t feel much like it right now. I know you’re tired of hearing this but things will fall into place soon, when the time is right. And you will blossom, my beautiful orchid. You’ll blossom so fully, no one will be able to divert their eyes. It’s all baby steps until then. Cuídaté, enamórate de ti misma, y déjate llevar por ti misma.

Grad School Update

I’m finally done with my masters program and graduation is a two weeks away! I’m so excited yet so exhausted.

It has been such a long time since I had all of this free time. This time, my free time is permanent and I am free to do as I please. What a wild time.

I’m excited to come back to writing.


How is it that when I’m thinking of you yet least expecting you, you show up? How is it that you can always appear before me when I need you the most? How is any of this fair?

I feel so vulnerable when I’m with you and it terrifies me in the most exciting way.

I haven’t felt my heart beat this nervously in such a long time and I just need to keep reminding myself that this is all temporary. I can’t get attached and as much as I wish you would, I know you’re doing the same thing.

Attachment can only lead to pain and we can only go downhill from here.

No one ever warned me about you

No one ever warns you how complicated love and relationships can get.

No one tells you about the pain that stabs my heart when I see you with other girls who don’t understand your sweet and gentle soul.

No one says anything about how sad the truth is that you’re not mine & I can’t be yours.

No one talks about how much it hurts to want to be held by you but never being able to have that want fulfilled.

It’s a pain I know I will eventually be numb to but it’s a reality that will take some time to sink in. Am I truly satisfied or am I just resigning? Do I even deserve happiness if this is how I am going to be?

No one ever talks about how difficult love can get until you realize you don’t know what love really is.

No one ever told me I would find you.




Everything I do lately makes me feel dizzy. Part of me wants to play it off as “oh, it’s just that end of semester rush” but another part of me just wants to throw up.

Grad school can really make a girl sick in more ways than one and I don’t know if I can handle feeling dizzy for another year. I close my eyes and take my deep breaths in order to calm my spinning head.

I’m so tired of feeling dizzy and I’m so tired of feeling tied down. I have commitment issues and just reflecting about everything I’m trying to work with doesn’t really bring me any peace.

I’m dizzy and I don’t think I’m going to stop spinning around anytime soon. If someone can stop me, that’d be great because I think I’m going to drop soon.

I can’t say I’m the same person I was a year ago and I think that’s okay. I definitely have lost a lot but I’ve gained so much in other ways.

I’m still not confident in my abilities but I feel okay about jumping into the unknown. It’s gotten me this far so I guess that’s worth something, right?

I feel as if my self-esteem has been dealt a huge blow and I’m the greatest liar ever because I don’t think anyone has noticed. I’m constantly battling with myself and my inability to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of some of my most trusted friends. I know they would understand but I just want to move forward and exposing my truths will only stall everything. If I share my concerns and insecurities then we are going to end up digging deeper and unpacking my baggage and that’s just way too much to dig through.

I need to figure out how to be better so I can do better.

Where I’ve Been

I’ve recently relocated to a new and bigger city for grad school and settling in to the new place and environment has been a journey.

I’m proud to say that I have made plenty of new friends among the people in my cohort, my cat is living comfortably with me, and my new bed is heaven.

Getting around and adjusting to needing to make spare time for parking has been a learning experience that I keep having to relearn. Can’t complain too much because there’s a Chevron gas station down the street for me so that’s convenient.

As for my relationship status: it’s long distance and it’s going okay. I’m not too insecure but I am still concerned. Distance and time changes people and I just hope we can still grow together into people we love even more than before.


Keep me in your thoughts ya’ll. I’ll try to keep up to date on here.